I have decided that I have been pretty good about not complaining about my pregnancy. And as a reward to myself, all of the complaints I have been holding in are having a COMING OUT PARTY.
1. Dear Headaches, for other pregnant people you are no big deal! However.... for those of us who were fortunate enough to get Hepatitis as children, Tylenol is not a friend but rather a FOE. I have been told by my wise mother over the years that I was never to partake of Tylenol and I, being a good daughter who is also a pansy, listened. UNTIL... I had a headache at work about a month ago and a co-worker was kind enough to offer some relief which I, in my desperate condition, did not question. Well, 20 minutes later my heart was pounding out of my chest and I had to walk around trying to get it to calm down. Why do I bring this up you might ask....? Because I have had a headache for 3 days now. Excedrin, old friend, you are starting to look like an optical illusion. Maybe I should take you to make sure you are not a mirage.
2. Dear clothes of any sort that go on my lower half... Why must you be so difficult to put on? I know my feet are not THAT far away because last year we were a pretty good team lookin all cute with a pedicure and some cute-sy shoes. NOW that I am 34 weeks pregnant getting dressed has become a hazard to my health. I have woken up the Worker Bee on several occasions because I have fallen over trying to get some bottoms on so I can go out in public without being criticized. Which leads me to....
3. Dear sense of balance/equilibrium.... I used to be quite graceful in my opinion. I was no prima ballerina mind you, but I was not Bella Swan either. In other words I was a happy medium. Now I fall, stumble, slip and plunge into places I can't see as well as I'd like. Take, for example, my shower this evening. I just wanted to relax but NOOOOOO. I slid almost the whole length of the bathtub and had to grasp around for something to help me regain some sort of balance. If I was NOT pregnant and saw said event on America's Funniest Home Videos, I would have voted that that person get the $10,000 grand prize. But seeing as how I am pregnant and hormonal I started crying. Crying= no winnings on that show. Especially from a grown-up woman.
4. Dear public population, unless I am related to you or you are my medical professional team or we are married DON'T TOUCH ME. 'nuf said.
5. Dear public population.... we meet again. I would like to request that you NOT ask me IF I am pregnant. In case you couldn't tell, I am proud to say I do still have a waist and traditionally people who are overweight do NOT have bellies that look/pop out like mine OBVIOUSLY does. Soooo, if you continue to ask the "IF" question I will make you severely uncomfortable by replying *obnoxiously loudly* that I am NOT pregnant. And you will therefore be shamed. HA.
6. Dear store/restaurant/anywhere I visit in my car, I vote that you, like Basha's the grocery store, designate parking for people in my condtion. Especially in Arizona. I also vote that while you are putting up that "Expectant Mom's Parking Only" sign that you also plant 2 trees. So not only do I not have to waddle so far to KEEP YOU IN BUSINESS but, I do not start to sweat profusely as a combination of my raging hormones and my car being in the sunlight in 100+ degrees.
7. Dear body 'o' mine, I used to be somewhat athletic and do a pretty good job of taking care of you. I went on a walk around my apartment building because I was having contractions and I know that a baby is squishing some pretty vital organs but for goodness sake. It was like a BLOCK! Cut me some slack here and stop trying to make my look pathetic aka winded after my "exercise" and maybe once Baby Bee is out we shall be good friends again!!